Berlin

My first day in Berlin and I slept the whole day away! At first I awoke at 5:30am and was ready to tackle the day. I thought that was silly so I watched some Dirk Gently and then passed out. For the next 8 hours! HAHAHA
I have 6 more days here so I am not too worried. I have nothing really planned with anyone in particular until Friday. I have nothing but time. I explored for a few hours just now to find an adapter plug for my laptop as I left it on for my whole "nap"
Seeing my ex and his new friend on the plane down was a challenge. They sat very close to me on the second half of the trip. He's refusing my hand for friendship once again. I'm not sure why but I think it has to do with his unresolved feelings about me. He really messed it up in the end and was quite mean to me. He doesn't like looking at that. Really, I don't need anymore mean people in my life so I don't know why I am trying.
I don't need it to consume anymore of my energy. There are plenty of other people in this world. I'm going to head back out there and find me some German friends!

Self-loathing

A blank age to spew out my insides. I'm feeling pretty much like a garbage human being at the moment. It seems the closer and nicer you are to me, the uglier and mean I will be. Why is there this innate toxic bug inside me that wants to sabotage all the good in my life? I'm not worthy of love so before I let it comfort me I just destroy it. I'm addicted to the idea of love. I have no idea how to have a healthy relationship. It's not all encompassing, I know I can maintain a relationship at a distance. Just feeling all the self sabotage feelings today. I use people and spit them out. I can be so mean to people that have shown me nothing but love. It's not good. I'm working on it. I need to maintain and sustain my current garden of friends or pretty soon I am just going to standing in the middle alone and sick.