Self-loathing

A blank age to spew out my insides. I'm feeling pretty much like a garbage human being at the moment. It seems the closer and nicer you are to me, the uglier and mean I will be. Why is there this innate toxic bug inside me that wants to sabotage all the good in my life? I'm not worthy of love so before I let it comfort me I just destroy it. I'm addicted to the idea of love. I have no idea how to have a healthy relationship. It's not all encompassing, I know I can maintain a relationship at a distance. Just feeling all the self sabotage feelings today. I use people and spit them out. I can be so mean to people that have shown me nothing but love. It's not good. I'm working on it. I need to maintain and sustain my current garden of friends or pretty soon I am just going to standing in the middle alone and sick.